Saturday, July 14, 2007

Up and Down...

If I were to say the past 24 hours have been an emotional roller coaster ride, I would be making an understatement.

Last week, we had to rush our fabulous Dobie (a Doberman Pinscher who is convinced he is a lapdog) to his veterinarian...he was incredibly lethargic, wouldn't go to the bathroom and on top of some already existing heart conditions, we were worried. Some x-rays and bloodwork revealed Mr. Dobie had found a bone and made it a snack. We're not quite sure where the bone came from, because he's on a prescription diet so all he gets from us is his food, but we know last week was the Fourth...and our neighbors all had cookouts. Doesn't take a genius to figure out Dobie had probably been given or tossed the bone from prescribed some things to help him pass the bone, ease the pain and get back to normal.

Which he did--for a few days. Then yesterday, he was back to being very droopy, very lethargic and not himself. His vet was closed so we rushed him to an ER...where X-rays revealed his tummy was still full of gas and fluids. And there was a mass in his prostate that could have been missed on his last x-ray...or could have been misdiagnosed as a bone. I immediately lost control...

Why? Because if you've been reading my blog, you know my grandfather is battling prostate cancer. And what's worse--less than a year ago, we had to put our other dog down because of an advanced cancer that was untreatable. As the doctor explained the possibilites to us, I could only hug Dobie and cry...she wasn't 100% sure it was a mass, but she wanted to keep him overnight because he had a fever and she wanted to do another x-ray overnight. We agreed...that was last night.

This morning as I dressed for my weekly weigh-in, the vet called back. The second x-ray showed there was definitely a mass on Dobie's prostate. He had swollen lymph nodes and his abdomen was filled with liquid. She recommended more testing--including an abdominal ultrasound--to see what that fluid was. One of the possibilities could be blood from the mass having ruptured.

I was filled with absolute rage. This is what we went through with Papo (our other dog) in October. Because of Dobie's heart condition, he's been seeing his vet every month. EVERY MONTH he gets a workup on his blood, his heart...if he's had a tumor growing in his body, how could his regular vet NOT have caught it? And that's when the ER vet lowered the boom...on top of all of Dobie's health issues, she went through his paperwork and noticed he was 3 months behind on his heartworm test and 3 months behind on his Parvo vaccine.

Again--nothing but anger here. How could his vet have missed that? For heaven's sake, the dog just had his teeth cleaned last month. We're up to date on his teeth cleaning but not on a basic vaccine? My mom made the decision instantly to transfer Dobie from his old vet to the new hospital where he is at. He'll be visiting that hospital from here on out...assuming of course, he makes it through this battle.

My mind has not stopped working. I barely slept last night. My heart has broken in a million pieces because this absolutely amazing dog does not deserve to go through this. Our family, already dealing with the loss of one dog and adjusting to my grandfather's cancer, can't handle another loss. I can't handle it. Mr. CCC keeps telling me to be strong and to not assume the worst--we don't know if the mass Dobie has is cancerous. And if it is, it may be treatable. He tells me I am freaking out yet without having to...but I can't help it. It's just.too.much.

I was practically sobbing as I went about getting ready for my WW meeting...the only normal thing I've done all week...and up until yesterday, I couldn't wait to see how the scale has treated me. I have done great with my eating...I've tried a few new WW recipes Mr. CCC and I are both enjoying. I went back to Pilates. I even started lifting weights to go along with the cardio I've been doing. All in all, you'd figure a very productive week.

It was.

I stepped on the scale and had my biggest single-week loss since starting this journey...I was down 3.6, for a total of 11.6 on WW and 25 total since I started (then abandoned) Jenny Craig late last year.

I immediately burst into tears on the scale--here I was, in the middle of this godawful crisis with my dog, getting the best weight-loss week I've had yet. It meant so much, and yet so little all at the same time. The weigher asked me what happened and when I told her, she even teared up and hugged me too...For a moment, it was what I needed.

It's really hard for me to grasp that a month ago, I was packing my bags for Hawaii and I didn't have a care in the world. All the relaxation, all the stress relief is's completely back to reality, and a harsh one...

The only thing I can get my mind around is the idea of going to work out. My weight loss right now is just about the only thing I can control. I'm up for a promotion at work (yup, more for the roller coaster--I had my interview yesterday morning), there's so much happening with Dobie, and I have no say in anything that happens there.

But I do have a say about how I respond...I could dive head-first into ice cream, but I have to say, I haven't wanted to do that. Instead, my first instinct last night as anger coursed through my veins was getting to a gym as fast as possible. I needed to channel that anger into something productive. And the only thing I can control now is how I respond to all the challenges before me.

I'm trying to focus on that.

But if you're the praying type, could I ask you to keep Dobie and my family in your prayers? I have a feeling the next few days will be very hard on us and we could use all the prayer and healing vibes we can get...


Anonymous said...

I will be thinking of you and your poor dog. I love my dog like a child and can't imagine how scared you must be.

and WAY TO GO on the weight loss!!!

Livy said...

Oh my poor poppet. My cat is yet to return, and I am also laying awake at night, thinking about her cold, wet, injured or dead. Nothing anyone has said has made me feel any better.
I lost my companion Wishbone on the first of March 2006. He was a schipperke, and my own beautiful angel who was by my side for many years. One morning, I arose to find my husband upset and forlorn, telling me that Wishbone was 'no more'. The hardest part was that we didn't know what happened to him to kill him. I have to say, it was the hardest loss I have come to terms with in my life yet, and at this time, I have to say I think about him much less, but still often.
There is nothing I can really say to comfort you, as life can be so painful and traumatic at times. Dobie is on his own path, and has come to a crossroads. I'm sure with the love from his family he will hopefully live out his days painfree, regardless of the outcome of the tests. I wish I could physically hug you right now, you could rest your head on my shoulder, and cry openly feeling completely comfortable in sharing your grief with a friend. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

Lora said...

I'm certainly the "praying kind" and will keep you in my prayers.

Keep us posted!

Yvette said...

I'm sending Dobie all the prayers and healthy vibes I have. Congrats on the weight loss...I'm so proud of you and you're right, you DO control how you react to things and what you do, and you are seeing the results of that...keep it up!!! (((((HUGS))))