Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My deal breaker? Shallow people!

If I'm blogging, you know that means I'm playing around on other internet sites and today, on one of those, one of the hot topics was weight.

Someone brought up a radio show where a man called in to say his girlfriend had gained weight and his "blood no longer boiled for her." He wanted the radio station's listeners to weigh in (ugh, bad pun!) on whether or not he should say something to his girl.

As interesting a topic as that is, what got jumped out at me was this response to the question...

"I think in this particular case, where the woman gained 50 lbs, that could be considered a deal breaker. And the boyfriend is perfectly justified in saying someting to her about it as long as he goes about it in the right way and is not insensitive or hurtful.

People can't help what they are attracted to physically. It would be one thing if she was overweight right from the beginning, but gaining 50 lbs during the course of a relationship is a lot. That completely changes a person's appearance...."

For the record--let's start by saying there is no polite, thoughtful way to tell someone they've gained weight. We may be fat, but we're not stupid. We see what's happening to our bodies, we can tell our clothes are tighter. But nothing anyone says is going to change that. We only change and lose weight when we want to change and lose weight.

I was stunned to read that a woman, yes a woman, would say something like that. Aren't women supposed to be the compassionate ones? The understanding ones? Hell, we're the ones that gain weight during pregnancy and struggle to get it off. That doesn't breed loving people for who they are?

Apparently not.

My first instinct was rage. My fingers started flying in a response that was almost as child-like and shallow as the post that got me that upset. And then it hit me...this isn't someone worthy of anger.

It's someone to feel sorry for.

Why? Because people who create "deal breakers" based on personal appearance are cheating themselves out of knowing what love really is...love for themselves, and love for someone else.

I have no doubt it's been hard for Mr. CCC to watch me battle my weight. In the course of our relationship, I have gained and lost 60 pounds. Yup, I said sixty.

He's seen me at my highest adult weight and he's seen me at my lowest. And he has never stopped treating me the same. He's never stopped wanting me. He's never stopped loving me.

He's been supportive and encouraging. He's been a partner in the truest sense of the word, sharing my joy when the number goes down, sharing my frustration when it doesn't. He's never said a thing to be about my weight--probably because he knows that I know what's happening and saying something and hurting my feelings wouldn't be of any help to anyone.

I'll be the first one to wonder if he's less attracted to me than he once was, but whenever I ask him, he says I'm still as beautiful as I was the day we met and that he won't stand for me calling myself names. Is he telling me a little white lie? I don't know. But I do know that his answer means he knows me, understands me and loves me.

As I re-read that comment above, it hit me that people like that, who value physical appearance so much, aren't worth my frustration or my anger. They'll never really know what it is to be with someone who loves them for who they are. They will never understand what it is to have someone love you through your faults and the changes in your appearance and that's sad.

Because it is in loving someone for who they are--not what they look like--that we truly experience what a fulfilling love is.

I wake up every day and know Mr. CCC wants to be with me for the person that I am. I have no doubt. And I am grateful that I was blessed with a love that strong, that unconditional, that supportive.

He is for lack of a better word, simply amazing. (And I need to remember that the next time I find myself nitpicking at him!)

Now, let's not tell Mr. CCC I wrote this. He doesn't need his fabulousness going to his head or anything like that, okay? ;)


Once Upon A Dieter said...

I feel sorry for the gal who gets that "You're too fat for me, I"m moving on" conversation. I mean, geesh, we all change with years. We get old. Wrinkly. Lose hair. Get smooshier. Lose teeth. Whatever. Appearances are not stagnant.

And diseases can change appearance. What? Is the guy gonna dump someone who suddenly gets cancer and has to have breasts lopped off?

Okay, he might say that's not her fault...but I do believe that love is love. If this is a deal-breaker, then maybe he doesn't and never did love her, and it was all about sex or attraction to looks. I dunno.

I do know that a woman is better off WITHOUT a man who is going to harp on her weight, than with him. That stress, no one needs. And even if he's been silent, he's been communicating his disapproval. I guarantee it. In body language or other ways.

I hope she finds someone who will love completely, like your hubby, like mine. I'm twice the size I was when he married me, and he's never, ever been derisive. And he still tells me I'm sexy and gorgeous. All he worries about now--like I do--is that my blood pressure and sugar numbers are iffy. So..that's why I want to lose weight above all. Not to be unable to enjoy life with him...not cause I'm supposed to be thin. Because I want to be HEALTHY.

My darker side hopes the guy in question gets a terribly glandular condition that makes him gain 200 pounds and lose his hair. That might teach him the hard way. :) Oooh, I'm so mean.

Princess Dieter aka Mir

Livy said...

What a total crock of shit. This post has really pissed me off. I am HOPING that marriage, or any relationship is not based on one's appearance. I don't know about the rest of you, but in my vows I promised to hang in there REGARDLESS. There was certainly no fine print about leaving me if I got fat. (or him if he had a car accident and lost his facial attractiveness). Yes, I put on 50lbs (30kgs actually), and you know what? That doesn't make me a bad mother, or a bad wife, or a bad anything. I am still ME. No matter how much I weigh.
This stupid dick on the radio had failed to realized that we ALL change EVENTUALLY anyway. It's called AGING. Unless she has a magic potion to keep her tiny, skinny, gorgeous and flawless to boot, she is going to have skin hanging off her bones just like the rest of us, regardless of her weight. Is that a 'dealbreaker' too????