Friday, November 9, 2007

Hiding in shame...and in panic

I know what you're thinking.

I had a gain on the scale and a meltdown ensued.

That's not true. What is true is that I've had 3 weeks with 2 days off; I've worked nights more than I've worked days. I haven't had time to set foot in a gym (Literally--it's a little hard when you're working 9 a.m. to about oh, midnight)...heck, I haven't had time to set foot in a grocery store. Combine all that and you get a meltdown.

This time of year is brutal for me at work; It's been so bad the other day my boss called me into her office and asked if I was okay--because one of my coworkers confessed to her she was ready to crawl in a hole and cry. I've gone through this before and I'm used to it, so I told my boss I wasn't ready to throw it all to hades--but I was close. And at least for now, I'm starting to see a *little* bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

With all of this going on, I'll be honest. It's been hard to make myself a priority. Gym time? Laughable. Even my WW meeting last week had to be abandoned when I was called in for a last-minute assignment. And this weekend, I'll be packing my bag for an business trip. To make matters worse, I didn't even feel like I was in control of anything--including my eating.

I wouldn't say I've gone overboard with my eating--I haven't. But I do know that I haven't been in control of it. I've skipped meals because literally, taking the time to go get or heat food has been impossible. I've snarfed down dinners at 11:30 p.m. because I had to eat *something* and I was starving.

I've been abusing my body and while I can get away with that for a little while, it started catching up with me in the past few days. Even my face looks tired--dark circles under my eyes that inudstrial-strength concealer can't hide; two giant cystic pimples that I know are stress-induced and just a general dullness that has left me feeling on top of exhausted, ugly. (Not a good combination for me since I'm self-conscious to start out with.)

The good news? Like I said--I'm starting to regain a little more control. Yesterday, even though I wasn't finished with my work, I got up early and left for my Pilates class; when a coworker asked where I was going and why I was leaving early I said, "I'll finish my project tomorrow."

After Pilates, I stopped at the grocery store and picked up a few healthy items to make dinner for a few days; this morning, I had a chance to sleep in and tomorrow morning, I'll face the scale. No matter what it says, I'll pick myself up and move forward.

I realize I've probably jeopardized my goal of losing 15 pounds before New Year's...and that bothers me, but I will keep on plugging...who knows? Maybe the damage isn't as bad as I think (Or I'm just eternally optimistic)


Heather said...

hey, its ok! Im glad your back and posting. We all have those busy times where its hard to focus on ourselves. Thats ok! It sounds like youve been doing the best you can, so I think that is all that should matter.

And no matter what the scale says, we are here for you!

Lauren said...

good for you getting back on the wagon like that.

Lauren said...

oh and also for recognizing that it's not all your fault and it isn't life defining

Lora said...

You need to watch that stress kiddo! Sounds like a lot of midnight oil's good to see you back posting though! And don't worry about the 15 pounds by New Year's ~ as long as you're in the negative ~ you're in the positive!

iCANdothis said...

yeah, your life sounds pretty crazy, give yourself a moment and then you'll get re-motivated! good luck!

Livy said...

It must suck to have a job that continuously strips you bare like that. Do you enjoy your job? Is it just the long hours you hate? I dont' think anything is worth doing those hours, sacrificing your health, and everything else that is being sacrificed for work.

Teale said...

I'm happy to see you back! I've been here & there as well, more "there" than "here". Hopefully things will slow down for you soon!

Once Upon A Dieter said...

I hope you're still doing better (yes, I'm late checking in here) with the food and gym and not too stressed. (I get those cystic zits from stress, too. Nasty things.)

The Princess

Oh_mama said...

Thinking of you! Hope you're feeling better soon! Keep it up! It will be over soon and you'll be feeling fab again ;)

Erin said...

You know, the end of the entry just made me realize you're pretty amazing. I'm sorry things are so stressful right now, but it sounds like you dealt with it pretty incredibly. Like Heather said, you're doing the best you can right now, and when you're free to be good to yourself again, your body will respond.