Monday, January 21, 2008

Envy...my deadly sin

I like to consider myself a good person. For the most part.

I'm generally nice to people. I adore my family. I go to church. Donate money to charity. Try really hard to make time for my friends and the people I love.

But I know I'm far from perfect and one of my faults is that I am an incredibly jealous person. Eww, it just sounds ugly. But it's true.

I'm possessive when someone of the female gender looks at Mr. CCC. I roll my eyes (internally) when coworkers talk about their big raises. I wish I had the looks of Catherine Zeta-Jones or the shoe collection of Carrie Bradshaw.

I know I should be content with my lot in life, but like I said--it's my downfall. I want more.

This tendency towards envy has now spilled into another arena of my life...my weight loss efforts.

After being so proud of what I accomplished over the holidays, I guess I got a little complacent. And whaddya know...this week, I gained a pound and a half. Ugh. Considering it usually takes me two weeks or more to lose a pound, this was not a good turn of events.

Worse was how as I stood in line I had to keep hearing "Oh! Look at you! You've lost three pounds this week!" or "Wow! Look at that...down two. You're almost at your 10 percent!"

It's not that I wish my fellow Weight Watchers wouldn't lose weight---I want them to! But heck, I want to lose weight too!

I've now been trying to lose weight for 15 months. In that span, I have lost 32 pounds. That's really not good, especially considering that when I started this journey in September of 2006, I weighed 255 pounds.

That's a lot of weight. Enough that the scale should be moving a little better than it is. Yeah, I've had some rough patches here and there, but I'm well below the one-pound weekly loss that's supposed to be healthy (and normal).

And yeah, I am jealous of those newbies that have strolled into my meeting and lost 20 pounds in three or four months. Yeah, I'm incredibly jealous of those folks on The Biggest Loser who bitch and moan when they only lose two or three pounds in a given week. I'd KILL to have a week where I lost three pounds. I think in my 15-month journey that's only happened once or twice.

It's funny. When I crinkled my face at the ugly number this weekend, the weigher said to me, "You've lost weight. You'll get this off. You can't be negative about this," and the only thing I've been since Saturday is...surprise, surprise, negative.

The positive? Instead of channeling negative energy into a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough, I channel it into exercise. Working out while angry is a good thing. And that's what I did Saturday--went straight from my meeting to a 45-minute session with the elliptical machine. Today, I also called a personal trainer to set up an appointment...Mr. CCC knows how frustrated I've been with my effort so for Christmas, he bought me a Body Bugg.

The trainer is supposed to set it up for me. I'm hoping she also has some reasonable packages that maybe I can purchase so I can get some professional help in the fitness department. Maybe it's what I need.

And then maybe, just maybe, someone can envy my weight loss for the week...

3 comments:

Heather said...

oh I think what you have lost in 15 months is FABULOUS!! but I know how you feel..when you want to lose and lose it fast, it maddening to see people drop 5 pounds like its nothing. or yes, hear those people on BL bitch about losing only a few pounds when that is amazing!

but I think you are doing so great. you havent given up and who cares if you gained this week, your attitude is fantastic. I give you major credit for using exercise as an outlet rathe tahn eating. that is a major accomplishment in itself. dont worry..it may take time but you WILL get there.

Lora said...

This body bugg thing sound intriguing. Keep us posted!

Kelly said...

you do realize that those people on biggest loser starve themselves, take long steam showers to sweat things out, and basically dehydrate themselves before weigh ins?