Monday, October 1, 2007

October's here...and I am not.

I've tried looking under the couch. Under the seats of my car. In the abandoned drawers in my desk. I've looked in the closet, under the bed, but really, my motivation seems to be missing in action.

Life continues kicking my arse all over town. Work stress. Family stress. The fact that no matter what I do, I am always running late. I'm staying up until all hours of the day, barely finding time to eat and when I do have time to eat...the words "not pretty" aren't descriptive enough.

In the past week...let's see...I had a day where I didn't journal. At all. Okay, let me stop lying. It was two days. There was another day I ate two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast (the bright side: at least it wasn't more). Even my workouts--which have been to this point a stress relief--are killing me. Last week, I dragged myself to the gym, despite the fact I didn't want to be there.

I gave myself the same old pep talk I've always given myself--if you don't want to be here after 20 minutes, go home.

Every time I've said that to myself guess what's happened--I've stayed on the treadmill or the elliptical machine and left feeling proud of myself. This past week the 20 minutes came, I was miserable. I went home.

As I was driving home, that was the night I had to stop and ask myself what I was doing and why. I'm getting into the danger zone here and I need to snap myself out of it. The thing is--I don't know how.

The fact I haven't lost weight in two weeks is killing me. I know it's not about the scale. I know it's not about numbers. I know there are good things happening. But mentally, for me, not seeing the number go down was draining. I talked a good game and for a while, I even believed it. But then the doubt crept in and the devil sitting on my shoulder just wouldn't shut up.

"You've worked so hard and you've only lost 30 pounds this year. Everyone else around you is hitting their goal weight. You're just a fat failure."

"Oh, come on. You don't need to work out today. You exercised yesterday. You can take a day off."

"You're working late every night this week. You're not going to be able to make a WW meeting for a few days. Go ahead and share the ribs with the hubby. By the time your weigh-in rolls around, you'll have burnt it off." (This one was funny, yet incredibly believable!)

"Hey, the first time you did WW, you lost weight like there was no tomorrow. And back then, you weren't even exercising. You're obviously just not doing it right this time."

"Look, you've been fat since the day you were born. Maybe it's time you just accept that's what you're supposed to be...fat."

I haven't shared these feelings with anyone. Not Mr. CCC. Not my incredibly supportive friends. Not the readers of my blog and for a long time--I didn't even want to admit them to myself.

It's part of the reason I haven't blogged for so long...I'm fighting an internal battle and as always, I'm trying to do it myself. And I can't. I go back and forth between wanting to continue what I'm doing and stuffing myself silly with cupcakes, french fries and nachos.

What's so maddening and frustrating about it is...I may not notice something is happening, but others do. Yesterday for example, my mom (one of my life-long weight critics) looked at me and said, "Did you lose more weight? You look great!" and today, one of my coworkers (who knew I was trying to drop some pounds) asked, "Can I be so bold as to ask how much weight you've lost? You look terrific."

If they believe it, why can't I? Why am I putting so much stock in a number? Why does a scale--even one I only visit just once a week--still have so much power over me?

I feel like some sort of weight loss fraud right now. I know all the positives, I'm just not seeing them. I'm not feeling them and my motivation is gone.

Right now, I'm just operating on the assumption that I have to do this...or I'm going to kill myself with food. (I never denied being overdramatic!) I need to do this or I won't grow old and raise great-grandbabies with Mr. CCC one day. I need to do this or I'll be the sad fat woman that you see using a motorized cart to do the most basic of errands.

There is proof all around me that I need to eat healthy and I need to exercise, but I just can't get my head around it at all.

And I need to be know someone else has done this--at a turtle's pace--because that's what it feels like right now. The good thing is, I believe in inspiration so I'm off to take a look.


Heather said...

I understand how you feel completely. I slipped up over the weekend and was wondering the same things about myself. But you realize that you may need to change some behaviors so that is the first step. I also feel the same way..always being disapointed in losing such small amounts CAN be disapointing and make you discouraged. Just hang in there and know it will come off, it just isnt fast for everyone. I also did WW 3 times and each time it worked less and less. Sometimes we are afraid to leave what we know and has worked, but maybe something else is in order for you. WW wasnt for me anymore because of my lifestyle, work, stress,etc. Find whats right for you and it will come off.

Shannon said...

You ask a VERY VERY deep question....."Why does a scale--even one I only visit just once a week--still have so much power over me?" MY answer.....and let me repeat, MY answer to this...AND my thought process is this: I equate SUCCESS with numbers that go down." END OF STORY. We strive to be at our "goal" (which is different for all of us) and know that in order to get to it, we HAVE to do (fill in the blank here). If we don't, we are failing ourselves. The musician side of me says, "If you practice a piece of music and know it inside and out, you WILL be able to perform it with perfection...NO EXCUSES. The audience will know if you did your 'homework' or not." Ultimately, weight loss is the same way.

All this to say, I COMPLETELY AGREE WITH YOU with everything you said. I know it's hard. I know it sucks. I know it's hard work. And to be ridiculously cliché -ish-"If It We're Easy, Everyone Would Do It" comes to mind.

You are under a CRAZY amount of stress. Try to analyze your every minute of every day and ORGANIZE yourself as if Bill Gates offered you a million bucks to make your life the most efficient it could possibly be. It would definitely be worth it at that point, right?

I know it's hard, CCC. I know it is! Let us (blogging buddies) be a SCREAMING voice in your head that says, "HEY CCC!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!! GO CCC!!!!! COME ON!!! YEA!!!"

I'm stepping off my soap box now :-)

It happens one choice at a time. Those choices turn into habits, which, in turn, lead us to our final goal :-)



Lora said...

You have probably reached one of those miserable plateaus that come about after a certain amount of weight has been lost. Take out some old pics of yourself before the 30 lbs. Try on a pair of your biggest fat pants. Then ask yourself - do I want to go back there? 30 lbs. is an accomplishment! Don't look at the finish line - just focus on the next bend in the road. Don't give up! Even if you're not losing right now - you're not gaining either!

Teale said...

I think self-talk is great, but unfortunately you're in that slump where negativity is taking over... what about these things to say to yourself:

"You've lost 30 pounds this year! That's GREAT work! You have more energy, feel healthier, and have the tools to lose even more"

"I'm so busy this week, I don't know if I'll be able to make a meeting. I better look online and find one that fits with my schedule that I can at least stop by and WI at, even if I don't stay for the meeting"

"Last time I did WW, the weight dropped like crazy and I didn't even have to exercise... this time though, I'm learning how to become totally healthy, not just eat differently... even if it takes longer to come off, it will be worth it in the end."

I think that admitting these things is helpful to you, and you'll also get some motivational feedback that will hopefully give you the boost you need! Hang in there!!!

Livy said...

My god, I could write this identical post!! My last few weeks has been the same! I shook my head while reading, crying with relief, that I am not the only one who isn't full steam ahead right now.

Angie All The Way said...

Nothing worth doing is easy. You know why you want this for yourself, you now have to accept that you deserve it and that you're not going to accept anything less, regardless of what the excuses and justifications are. It makes me happier than you will ever know that I serve as a source of inspiration to you. Yes, I have "done it" this far and continue to strive to get to my goal. IT'S TOUGH alright, but we're the exception, not the norm and that includes you too.

Teale quoted a passage from Dr. Phil which I think is important to what you said in your post that might help with the scale anxiety:

"Stop telling yourself that you absolutely "have to" lose weight, because that's a lie. You don't "have to" lose weight. You may want to, you may even need to, but you don't have to. It would be nice if you did, but it isn't something you must do. That's just what you have been telling yourself because you thought it would motivate you. Lying to yourself like this won't help you; trust me. You have to breathe--no choice there--but you don't have to lose weight. So instead of all that drama and self-recrimination, I want you to choose to feel very calm and very relaxed. Get up each morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and see yourself not as someone who is overweight or out of shape, but as the someone you will become, a person with a greater level of dignity and worth who, for probably the first time ever, is finally going to succeed--for a lifetime."

Anonymous said...

I am creeping right along with you. I read back in my blog a few months ago (ok so 2006) and I have only lost MAYBE another 20-30 pounds all year long in 2007. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT. but I haven't gained any weight either, which is a freaking miracle in itself. I was supposed to meet my goal weight in August. Here is is October and I'm STILL not at my goal weight and actually nowhere near it. (well ok so I'm about 34 pounds away, so semi-near). We ALL go through this. There is no magical formula to get you out of the funk. You just have to keep on going. That's what I'm doing. Hell, that's what we're all doing. We're just keeping on going.

Chin up. We'll make it. We may not win first place or even 50th place corssing the finish line but we're going to make it.

Oh_mama said...

It's just a dip in the road. Don't be so hard on yourself. You know we're here for you. Please share sooner. We should have a healthy food party. I know there are some great recipes out there and it would be a huge help to us all. Luff you!