Sunday, August 5, 2007

Up and down

Another day, another emotional roller coaster ride.

Despite the fact I haven't worked out over the past week the way I would have liked, once I got back into Pilates on Wednesday, I was back on like crazy. I did cardio that night. On Thursday I did cardio and weights; same thing for Friday.

And I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself for not doing the emotional eating thing...the leftover birthday cake has sat in my fridge--untouched--all week. I've stuck to my points. Picked the evil goodies out of a salad I'd ordered figuring it was healthy. You put all of that together and the fact I had a slight gain last week and I figured once my weigh-in came, something good would happen.

So when I stepped up the scale and saw I was up another 0.4, I lost it. It's the first time in this journey that I have gained weight two weeks in a row. It was the first time I'd gained weight and had no good answers. I didn't cheat. I journaled everything. I was so upset at the unfairness of it all and I'm not proud of this, but I stormed out of my Weight Watchers meeting, sat in my car and sobbed. When I got home, the words, "I'm going to be fat for the rest of my life!!!!!!" were uttered (okay, yelled) to Mr. CCC.

I was livid and so tempted to stuff myself, but instead I figured I'd punish my body. By working out. I went and pushed myself on the stairmaster, pushed myself on the treadmill and came home drained.

A few hours later though, all the rage I'd felt at my disappointing weigh-in evaporated when my grandmother called and told me Dobie was not eating and throwing up. With my parents on the west coast for the day, I knew this was my issue to deal with. And I remember when we picked Dobie up from the hospital after his biopsy, the doctor told us discomfort would be normal. If he didn't want to eat or drink, that was normal. But if he threw up, we had to bring him in immediately.

I hightailed it from Fort Lauderdale to Miami, and called the vet to let her know we were on the way. The nurse then informed me that when we got in, Dobie's vet had gotten the results of the biopsy earlier that day and she'd meet with us about them. (Gulp!)

Mr. CCC, who had been working, met me at the animal hospital because with my parents not there, I didn't want to be alone when I heard the biopsy results. After all, the vets had painted a pretty grim picture earlier in the week. And his episode at the moment wasn't making things better.

As we rushed him in, the doctors took Dobie away to do some tests. The diagnosis? A bad (nauseous) reaction to his medications. Then the vet informed us she was going to prescribe something else for the tummy issues, but that we couldn't take him off the medicine that was making him nauseous, because she was scheduling him for surgery on Tuesday and he needed that medicine beforehand.

I looked up and said, "But surgery? I thought you said that wasn't an option for him?" And then we got the best news we've had since Dobie's ordeal began.

Despite the fact all signs pointed to cancer, his biopsy results had come back benign. When I heard her say "benign," I literally started to sob. Now all signs pointed to Dobie being cancer free...he still has to have surgery to have the tumor removed. The vet also said it was time to neuter him because if we didn't, these problems would likely continue.

Talk about complete and utter joy...the doctor said Dobie's case was really surprising her because that kind of growth just isn't normal in a benign tumor. To make sure, she was going to do another biopsy of the tumor once it is removed, but she said to us, "Your doggie just may be the miracle dog."

After that, how much could I let a 0.4 gain bother me? It didn't. It's amazing how quickly things are put into perspective for you. Hours earlier, I'd thought that gain was the end of the world. Now I realized it was anything but.

Don't get me wrong--I'm not going to accept what happened. I'm going to keep working hard and maybe the fact is, I can't afford to work out just three times a week. I had been going five times a week before Dobie got sick. I need to get back to that.

And I really need to assess what I am putting into my body. Every bite, every calorie. I don't have any room for error. Since coming off from my rage, Mr. CCC and I have had time to talk about my gain a little bit. And as he pointed out, it could be some leftover effects from my birthday weekend. It could be the fact I've been doing weights. Either way, the trend is still ultimately downward and I need to focus on that.

I also need to accept that there are going to be ups AND downs on the scale. And I just can't let one (or two) bad weeks deter me. I have too much at stake to give up.


Ash said...

Well, you've sure been on a roller coaster lately, haven't you? Good for you for not giving in and binging; then you'd just have another reason to feel "down". I know it's hard, but you do have the strength to deal with what must be dealt with. We all have our "moments" but it's the "long haul" that counts.

Anonymous said...

Just thought I'd say hi, as I'm a shy person and need to make myself talk to other weight loss bloggers.

I hear you with the cake. You say no and still gain, it's not fair!

Lora said...

Great news about Dobie! And don't sweat the little weight gain. It's so small that it could be anything and not food related at all! And you know - muscle weighs more than fat - so all that working out is probably replacing the fat yu=ou lose with muscle! Check your measurements - they are much more accurate than the scale!

sandy said...

hi there - new to the blog! you sound unbelievably strong to me! i don't even count the tenths of pounds on the scale i use! maybe you were retaining a little bit of water? who knows - that was such a teeny upswing. sounds like you're doing great, on the whole. congrats on the good puppy news!

Shannon said...

WONDERFUL news about Dobie! EXACTLY what I was waiting to hear :-)

What kind of scale do you have? I have heard there are scales out there that give you all kinds of fancy has that info on her site (scroll down and look on the right). Maybe you are losing fat and gaining muscle?!

Keep up the GREAT work! In the end, it will all be worth it!!!

Big Momma Black said...

Glad to hear your doggie is going to be all right!!!!!